Why Am I Such a Perfectionist?: The Connection Between Perfectionism & Neurodivergence
Introduction
In the eyes of society, perfectionism is highly praised. Perfectionism is associated with things like being a hard worker, driven, detail oriented, and other terms tied to a certain definition of success.
And, the underlying truth is that perfectionism is sometimes tied to something much deeper: A drive to do so well that no one can reject or abandon you
This core fear, amongst other possibilities, can exist for many different reasons, but in this blog post we’re going to focus on how perfectionism can come from past trauma or lived experience as a neurodivergent human.
For some people, perfectionism can also become closely connected to anxiety. When making a mistake feels unsafe, disappointing, embarrassing, or likely to lead to rejection, striving for perfection can become a way of trying to control that anxiety.
What Is Perfectionism?
The official definition of perfectionism by the American Psychological Association in part would be what you might expect:
“The tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation.”
What you may not expect is the second part of the definition:
“It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”
In other words, perfectionism is when we push ourselves beyond what’s needed to get things done “perfectly.”
What makes this difficult is there is no objective way to confirm something is done “perfectly,” leading to an exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and often never-ending exertion across a wide variety of areas in our life.
This can make perfectionism difficult to recognize because it doesn't always look like someone who is obviously struggling. It can look like achievement, productivity, ambition, or being the person everyone can depend on.
But if you constantly feel like you could have done more, done better, or made fewer mistakes, that pressure may be costing you more than you realize.
The Connection Between Neurodivergence and Perfectionism
Neurodivergence refers to being a human with a brain that has natural differences in how it processes information, regulates attention, and experiences the world compared to what’s thought to be more common ways of functioning - often referred to as “neurotypical.”
Autism and ADHD are examples of neurodivergent conditions, along with the combination of both called AuDHD.
Many environments and societal expectations are designed around neurotypical, not neurodivergent, ways of functioning.
What that can mean is someone who is neurodivergent may have a lifetime of noticing - either through observation or direct messages from others - that they are different from their peers. They may feel like there is something wrong with them for not being able to fit in or do things “right.”
Over time, consistently feeling like others understand how to do things “correctly” better than they do can lead to developing conscious or subconscious coping strategies.
These strategies are designed to help them fit in better or be more “acceptable” to reduce the chance of rejection.
One of these strategies may be perfectionism - the idea that if someone just avoids mistakes and gets things right, they can bury the feeling that there’s something wrong with them and be more “normal.”
Not everyone who is neurodivergent may develop perfectionism, but when it does develop this may be an explanation for some as the reason for its origin.
For some neurodivergent adults, perfectionism can become part of a larger pattern of masking, anxiety, people-pleasing, and constantly monitoring themselves. The goal may not consciously be to be perfect, but instead it may be to avoid being seen as “too much,” “not enough,” difficult, careless, or different.
This is one reason a neurodiversity affirming therapy approach can be helpful. Instead of assuming that perfectionism is simply a bad habit to eliminate, therapy can explore what the perfectionism is doing for you and what experiences may have made it feel necessary in the first place.
How Perfectionism Shows Up
The below are some ways perfectionism may show up.
Note: the signs are different for everyone, this is just a sample of ways.
Whether you are ADHD, autistic, AuDHD, or none of the above but you relate to perfectionism, reflect on which, if any, apply to you:
Taking longer than you’d like to send that text or email, or finish a project, because it has to be done “just right”
Avoiding bringing up a need to a partner or friend out of fear of upsetting them because you might say it “wrong”
Working past your capacity to get something done — whether it’s your job, physical fitness, or even doing someone a favor — no matter how tired or hungry you are
Truly struggling to feel like you’ve done enough, often feeling like your worth is tied to productivity
Finding yourself jealously comparing to others that seem “more perfect” than you, getting caught in spirals of self-criticism around this
Overthinking decisions endlessly or asking reassurance from others that it’s the “best” choice
Perfectionism can also show up as procrastination or avoidance.
If you believe something has to be done perfectly, starting it can feel incredibly overwhelming. You may put something off because you know you can't complete it to the standard you've set for yourself.
This can create a frustrating cycle:
High expectations → anxiety → avoidance or overworking → temporary relief → self-criticism → even higher expectations.
And if you're neurodivergent, this cycle can sometimes overlap with difficulties around executive functioning, sensory or emotional overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, or autistic inertia.
Perfectionism and Anxiety
One of the reasons perfectionism and anxiety can become so intertwined is that perfectionism creates the illusion that we can prevent bad outcomes if we just work hard enough.
If I check this one more time, maybe I won't make a mistake.
If I make this email perfect, maybe they won't be upset with me.
If I work harder than everyone else, maybe no one can criticize me.
If I make myself as useful as possible, maybe people won't leave.
The problem is that there is always another mistake to prevent, another person to please, or another standard to reach.
That means the relief perfectionism provides is usually temporary. The anxiety comes back, and the brain learns to respond by doing even more.
This is why perfectionism therapy isn't necessarily about convincing yourself to stop caring but more about understanding the fear underneath the perfectionism and learning that you can tolerate imperfection without everything falling apart.
Next Steps
What’s important to remember is: perfectionism is not something you chose.
No one wants to be anxious about getting things done exactly right, but something in your life made it really important that you do just that.
And now that you’re aware this may be happening for you, the first step is to start bringing more awareness into what exactly is happening when the perfectionism tendencies pop up for you.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself when you feel that pull to go above and beyond:
Where did I learn that making mistakes isn’t safe?
What am I afraid will happen if things aren’t perfect?
Is this fear coming from the reality of my present, or does it feel familiar from an earlier experience?
What signs show up in my body that let me know I’m going into my perfectionism coping strategy? (e.g., a tight chest, feelings of fear, a flashback memory of old mistakes)
What would happen if I intentionally allowed something to be “good enough”?
Am I trying to achieve something because I genuinely care about it, or because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don't?
Conclusion
As you work on your perfectionism, just know it’s very normal to have some part of you that actually doesn’t want this to change.
There may be so many benefits from the perfectionist part of you that has pushed you so hard to achieve, to get things done right, to be accepted by others. It may feel like if you change, you suddenly will stop performing as well as you do now.
So to clarify, moving away from perfectionism is not starting to do things with lower quality or becoming lazy.
It’s learning that you can still care a lot about details, work hard, and accomplish amazing things — and — the moment something does not work out as you’d hoped, like a person does not like you or you make a typo…everything will still be ok.
You don't have to stop caring, trying, or become less ambitious.
You are simply learning that your worth doesn't have to depend on getting everything right.
Looking for Therapy for Perfectionism or Anxiety?
If perfectionism, anxiety, people-pleasing, or emotional overwhelm are making it difficult to slow down or feel like you're ever doing enough, online anxiety therapy with a neurodivergent affirming therapist can be a place to explore what's underneath those patterns.
My approach is based in extensive trauma trainingand clinical and lived neurodiversity experience, with a focus on helping neurodivergent adults better understand themselves without treating their neurodivergence as something that needs to be fixed.
I provide online anxiety therapy for adults in California, Florida, and Michigan, with a focus on anxiety, trauma, perfectionism, people-pleasing, and support for late-diagnosed autistic and AuDHD adults.
If you're looking for an anxiety therapist in California, Florida, or Michigan, you can learn more about my therapy services and schedule a free consultation here to see if we're a good fit.
