Why Complex Trauma Can Make It Hard to Feel Okay—Even When Things Are Okay

Lately, a question has come up again and again in my therapy sessions:

“Why do I feel guilty for feeling okay?”
“Is it wrong to be happy when there’s so much pain in the world?”

For many people healing from their trauma in complex PTSD therapy — especially BIPOC adults, immigrants, and children of immigrants in our current political times—feeling okay can actually feel unsafe. When the world isn’t actively falling apart around you, your nervous system may still be bracing for impact.

As a trauma informed therapist, I want to name something important:

Feeling okay doesn't mean you’ve stopped caring. It means you’re surviving.

When “Calm” Feels Like a Threat

If you grew up in an environment where calm was just the silence before the storm—where peace never lasted—you may have learned to associate stability with danger. As adults, even when our lives are objectively okay, our bodies may stay stuck in a loop of hypervigilance, waiting for something bad to happen.

Joy can feel unfamiliar.
Rest can feel like weakness.
And feeling okay can trigger fear, guilt, or even shame that you’re just not doing enough.

This is not a character flaw. It’s a nervous system doing its best to protect you.

The Weight of the World + Survivor Guilt

Many of my clients are also carrying a deep collective awareness—witnessing injustice, political trauma, violence, and loss in their communities and around the world.

So when they finally do feel a little better, they often ask:

“How can I allow myself to feel joy when others are suffering?”

But here's what I tell them:

You don’t have to be suffering 24/7 to prove your care.

In fact, the more regulated you are, the more grounded you are in your own sense of safety and presence, the more you can actually show up for others.

Joy is not betrayal. It’s resistance.
Rest is not selfish. It’s necessary.

Why Complex PTSD Therapy Helps

If this pattern feels familiar, you’re not alone. This is exactly what we work on in trauma informed therapy—especially for BIPOC adults navigating the layered impacts of racial trauma, family trauma, and generational survival.

In therapy, we work to:

• Understand why feeling good can feel dangerous

• Gently rewire your nervous system’s tolerance for rest, calm, and joy

• Reclaim joy as your birthright—not something you have to earn

It’s Okay to Be Okay

We’ve all heard “it’s okay to not be okay.”
But what I want to say—especially to those with complex trauma—is:

It’s also okay to be okay.

You don’t need to shrink your joy to match the world’s pain.
You don’t need to feel guilty for smiling, laughing, or resting.
You don’t need to justify the moments when you breathe deeply and feel… okay.

This is how we survive. This is how we heal.

If you're ready to start feeling safe in your own okay-ness, I offer compassionate, culturally-informed complex PTSD therapy in California. You can schedule a free consultation here.

You deserve peace—not because the world is perfect, but because you are human.