Setting Boundaries with Family
Why Do Some Parents Struggle to Respect Boundaries Even When Their Children Are Fully Independent Adults?
As a trauma-informed therapist in Los Angeles specializing in complex PTSD therapy and therapy for childhood trauma, I often see adult clients grappling with lingering boundary issues in their family systems. In some family cultures—especially those influenced by intergenerational trauma—there is a rigid hierarchical structure that does not adapt in developmentally appropriate ways as children become adults. Even when children grow into independent individuals, the parents may continue to see them through a lens of submission and obedience, expecting deference as “authority figures” regardless of age.
This often stems from inherited patterns of complex PTSD—with parents unconsciously repeating the same boundary violations they experienced. These unspoken family rules can be deeply embedded and passed down generationally, especially when those parents were themselves raised in households where boundaries were routinely disregarded. As a complex PTSD therapist in California, I've witnessed how these dynamics can impact emotional health long into adulthood.
What Does It Say About the Parent-Child Dynamic When a Parent Responds with Anger or Disapproval?
When a parent responds with outsized disapproval or anger, it often indicates an unresolved internal wound. From a trauma-informed therapy perspective, reactions that are larger than the moment calls for are typically tied to survival strategies rooted in past trauma. In this case, a few possibilities arise—such as an enmeshed mother-son dynamic in which the mother feels threatened by the son’s increasing independence or intimacy with others. Alternatively, the mother may lack tools for tolerating discomfort, reverting to learned patterns like anger or guilt-shaming when she feels emotionally dysregulated.
These reactions can often be traced back to childhood trauma that was never processed—making complex PTSD therapy an essential tool for both generations to start recognizing and repairing these patterns.
How Can Someone Communicate and Reinforce Boundaries Without Damaging the Relationship?
It's important to know that boundary-setting can be respectful and loving—even when it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. As a trauma-informed therapist in Los Angeles, I often teach clients communication tools that allow them to express their needs while still nurturing the relationship. One helpful tool is the “positive sandwich” approach: start with appreciation, communicate the boundary clearly, and end on a loving note. For example:
“I love how much you care about me. I need a bit of notice before you visit, so I can make it a pleasant experience for both of us. Thanks for hearing me—I really value our relationship.”
This approach is especially useful for adult children recovering from childhood trauma, as it models assertiveness without replicating the emotional volatility they may have grown up around.
What About Family Members Who Don’t Believe in Boundaries?
In many families where complex trauma is unacknowledged - especially looking at my fellow children of immigrants here - setting boundaries is perceived as rebellion or disrespect. When someone begins healing through complex PTSD therapy or therapy for childhood trauma, their growth can trigger discomfort in others who are still aligned with the rigid system. It's not the individual’s responsibility to make everyone understand their healing—but they can maintain boundaries while offering compassion. A response might sound like:
“I understand that you don’t agree with how I handled things, and I respect your right to feel that way. I care about you and want to keep our relationship strong, which is why I’ll continue communicating when something crosses a boundary for me. If there’s a way I can do that more gently while still being clear, I’m open to hearing that.”
This balance of self-respect and openness is exactly what trauma-informed therapy aims to cultivate: the ability to care for oneself without severing ties unnecessarily. This does not guarantee you will get an understanding and open response from your family member. However, the goal is to speak in a way that is aligned with your values, so regardless of their reaction you know you spoke in a way that you can feel good about. Their reaction is simply information for you on how much the relationship can hold room for growth.
Looking for Support?
If you resonate with these experiences and are navigating complex PTSD symptoms and challenging family dynamics rooted in childhood trauma, know that healing is possible. I offer complex PTSD therapy for adults in California, including virtual sessions for those across the state. Whether you’re based in Los Angeles or elsewhere, therapy can help you break generational cycles and feel more at peace within yourself and your relationships.
